DIY Disasters, Mark Hales

DIY Disasters


It was just a nail, standing slightly proud,

It was an evening Christmas 1967,

we had guests from New York.

dad thought, better deal with the nail,

it may injure someone he thought.

So, he got a hammer and drove it home,

satisfied it was flush he put his tools away

and the evening got underway

After dinner six of us sat at the table

I asked if I could get down, it was boring grown-up stuff

Permission was given and as I went through the hall

I noticed water running down the newly papered wall,

I said something, they checked it wasn’t some childish prank.

Sadly no, it was true, what a mess, dad said I’ll turn the water off

No let’s save some water first,

so, every pot and pan were filled,

our cousins rallying to the cause

And when the pans were filled, the water was turned off.

A plumber was summoned and dad had to confess.

It was just a nail, standing slightly proud.


© Mark Hales 4th March 2021


A Fishy Prose Poem, Ray Stearn


Love, A Fishy Prose Poem


When I first saw you I thought you were Brill

With your perfect, moist skin just out of the sea where you’d been swimming

I Floundered in the wake of your beauty

Dreaming that Salmon chanted evening you would come to me

Warm and comforting, steamy and hot

I Haddock feeling that you were a little distant

Like trawlers that pass in the night

I hoped you would be my Ray of sunshine

Skate over my imperfections, look deep into my Sole


I couldn’t Plaice the old Trout by your side

Surely not your mother? If I ever got to know you I might Winkle it out of you

Keep and Net you for myself without seeming Shellfish


I needed to think about that, Mullet over

”Kipper neye on the time,” I told myself, “But don’t rush things either”

Mind, I wasn’t Prawn yesterday, it might all be an act

Or you might be spoken for already, I shouldn’t Poach you

But thinking of your warm, light brown coat over you hot, white flesh

Got me Steamed up


The waiter approached

Large Cod , chips and mushy peas, bread and butter

He said

© Ray Stearn 10th February 2021

Fiddle, Ray Stearn




Fiddle de dee flibberty jibbet

Fiddle faddle kibosh

Pernickety poppycock

Pumpernickel eyewash

Shenanigans skewwhiff

Skulduggery baloney

Galivant britches

Hoodwink Mahoney

Confuzzled kerfuffle

Concoction thingamabob

Tomfoolery bodacious

Flim flam bibbety bob

Berserk periwinkle

Doohickie caterwauling

Beejeesus bejasus

Flummoxed West Malling

Knucklehead camaraderie

Rigmarole thunderation

This is the poetry

That’s going to sweep the nation


© Ray Stearn 2nd December 2020